Briggs.

To start, we have to assume that Lance Briggs was hammered when he crashed his Lamborghini over the weekend. He hit a light pole at 3:15 AM, if nothing good happens after midnight, then only evil happens after 3 AM. I question his account of the incident, to say the least:

When it happened, the first thing I did was, obviously, I panicked, I didn't want there to be a big scene there. And so I left the scene. When I left, I called the tow truck. I also was startled, and I called to report that my car was stolen. Within probably 10 minutes, I called back and accepted responsibility for what I did because it was ridiculous in the first place.

I’ve been in quite a few accidents in my day and I can tell you from experience that calling the police and reporting my car stolen has never crossed my mind. My routine is normally to shit my pants, cry like a pussy, and throw up; then I call the police. Maybe Briggs shit his pants and ran away in embarrassment, but there would have been a scent trail so that didn't happened. In my mind, the case is closed, Briggs is guilty.

Reporting his car stolen was probably not the best choice to avoid persecution, but getting the hell away from the scene of the crime was fucking genius. The move seems obvious now as it was clearly made to avert the punishment of Goodell, but I'd argue that inventing the light bulb also seemed obvious after the fact considering the human need for light. Like Edison, Briggs was the first of his generation to make the move, and his lack of a real punishment should lead to hundreds of athletes following his example.

(Let’s assume the following story is completely fabricated, the names have changed, and I’ve inserted myself in the story … for effect, not because I was actually there because I wasn't, OK?)

‘I’ wish ‘I’ had Briggs’ example back when ‘I’ was drinking and driving. ‘My’ friend, ‘Darnell’ and ‘I’ had an extremely lucky situation with the fuzz a few years back. ‘We’ [I’m done with the quotes] had been pre-gaming for some high school graduation party, and on the ride there, we got hit by some douche bag. Darnell was driving, but it was 100% not his fault. We turned into the next neighborhood, and were strongly considering fleeing the scene, but Darnell stopped (like a pussy). I grabbed the case of beer in the backseat and literally ran down the street to hide it from the cops. People came outside the house when they heard the crash, making the dead sprint with a case of beer an awkward situation for me. However, the guys that hit us drove away from the scene, so we were good.

We were so happy about them leaving that we called Darnell’s dad to tell him the good news. To our shock, his dad wanted us to call the police to have them make a report, we hadn’t thought of that possibility, we were hammered. Darnell’s dad specifically asked him if he’d been drinking, to which he obviously responded, “of course not.”

The police came and we got really fucking lucky, nothing bad happened. However, we aren’t black men, even Darnell, but if we were then there is no fucking way we would have let the police be involved. In fact, if I was black, I wouldn’t talk to the police if I was sober. I used to live in Cincinnati, there's no doubt the police racially profile, just ask the Bengals. They could tell you that with the penalties that Goodell has been levying and the trouble Briggs would have gotten into for a DUI; Briggs is a shining example for all young NFL players to follow. God knows they won’t stop drinking.

(Just to clarify, drinking and driving is bad, Log'sBlog doesn't recommend it. In fact, we're vehemently against it, if you get caught you deserve it)